Manute Majanuhn

Please click on the picture to enlarge; note the expression on the man's face. Hence, the epithet I have ascribed to him.....

I met the young man in this picture about a week ago when I had to fill in for his usual escort. He is a 21-year-old Iraqi from Nasiriyah; his name is Sattar. The first time I saw him, I was absolutely horrified. You see, the tank of blue water that he is standing above is the neon-blue sanitation water that is the toilet water of portable bathrooms. In the picture, he is filling the tank with water, which has the concentrated blue chemical added to it. Well, before the concentrated blue chemical is diluted inside the tank that you see, it is stored in a 55 gallon drum, which gets syphoned out into a smaller container, and eventually poured into the white tank that you see. About 30 seconds before I met Sattar for the first time, he was apparently having trouble getting the hose to begin its syphoning...so, naturally, he placed the hose into his mouth and sucked. Hard. Too hard, and too long. The hose was not a clear hose, and before he knew it, he had a mouthful of royal-blue, industrial-strength, toilet disinfectant. All I could hear was a horrific scream, nay, a screaming gurgle, as he attempted to spit the caustic substance onto the sand. I was in shock. He was laughing. You must also understand the extreme to which this liquid stains everything it comes in contact with. 6 hours later, he looked like he had just eaten a Smurf, whole (I'm assuming smurfs have blue blood). His teeth and tongue were still blue the next morning. I later learned that he had done the same thing the week before, but with gasoline. The title of this post is the new nickname I have given him, to which he takes great pleasure in- "fu#%@ng crazy", in Arabic.

Now, let us also take a look at the company he works for, "Future Services". I do not understand this name. What does it mean? If I call them because I am interested in their business, will they simply inform me that "no, sir, I am sorry, we cannot perform our services until a later time...."?

"But I need this done now!"

"I am sorry, sir, we are Future Services."

It doesn't make any sense, and I don't like it.

"good m iam hadi from basrah how are you my brother i miss you"

This is an email I received today from my new friend, "Hadi". Hadi is obviously from Basrah. The one-line email is a bit odd, but his english writing is much better than my arabic, so I won't judge him too harshly. He is a 19-year-old entepreneur who makes his living selling propane to people, including our military. He is very well-spoken and very friendly, and although I was leery to give him my email address when he asked for it, I humored him and wrote it down. Here is how I met him..... Three days ago, my boss approached me while I was sitting at my desk in our office. "Hey Jim! I've got a mission for you, you're gonna love me!"

I replied with, "Um, Ed, if 'loving you' is the mission, I'd rather not take part."

It took him a few seconds to understand my little joke.....typical. The mission was to drive the Suburban just outside the front gate and link up with a young man selling propane, escort and sign him in, and bring him to the work site so we can switch out our tanks. So, I did. The ride with Hadi was an interesting one. He was immediately friendly and talkative, asking me numerous questions about America. He knew many of the US states and was very proud of this fact. His dream was to ultimately save enough money to move to Texas and attend "university". All of the Iraqis know of Texas. And Michael Jackson, "King of Pop, yes?" Our conversation eventually shifted to the pre-invasion era, and Hadi described to me how his father was forced to fight in Saddam's army for 30 years. His uncle, his father's brother, had refused and had subsequently been executed. This seems to be a resounding story in Iraq; people refusing to follow Saddam, mysteriously disappearing or executed by his secret police. I heard countless stories like this while at Abu Ghraib, and and same is true down here.

My 2nd sighting.....

Habbaniyah Waterfall- this is the species of mullet (the haircut, not the fish) that I was lucky enough to encounter only two days ago. Note the locks of long black hair, cascading past the neck and shoulders; draping onto a shirt that would have been stylish only 20 years ago. The "molester-mustache", meticulously groomed with such pride that anyone gazing upon it will only turn away in shame; shame that they do not also own such fine craftsmanship of outdated facial hair.

A rare specimen indeed, this is only the 2nd mullet I have seen in my almost 12 total months in Iraq. The first was in July of 2004; an insurgent being escorted into Abu Ghraib prison- fitting, isn't it? Like an exciting episode of Cops, but with the criminal actually clad in a shirt (ever notice how the criminals on that show never wear shirts?).

The 2nd sighting occurred earlier this week....a convoy of "jingle trucks"(shown in picture) stopped at our base to refuel. An avid mullet hunter, I easily spotted the prey inside his truck at 400 meters away, bouncing down the road, all the bells and whistles screaming "hey dude, look at me- but watch yourself, I will fight you at the drop of a hat". In terms of "mulletude", this gentleman had it all. The truck, the attire, the 'stache, and as I would soon see, the swaggar. As his truck rolled to a stop at the fuel point, the driver's door opened.....I swear I saw the clouds part and rays from heaven shine down upon my find, with a multitude of heavenly host singing "Hallelujah, Hallelujah!". He then, cool as can be, climbed out of the truck, leaned against the side, and lit a knockoff Marlboro- with a match. Unfortunately, these sightings don't always happen when I am armed with my trusty Olympus digital camera (my weapon of choice in the task of mullet-documenting), and I wasn't able to capture him- this time.

Mullets are the same virtually everywhere in the world. Languages and locations may differ, but the same cocky swagger and insistance upon all things 1980's remains steadfast. They are elusive and cunning, but I will continue the hunt.

Various Updates...

As much as I appreciate the Romanian dentist's willingness to help our subcontract-ors in need, my desire for the US to declare war on Romania grows greater with each day. I have no desire for bloodshed, I only yearn to be amused by watching their "military" wage battle against us. Judging by their inability to march or maintain even the slightest levels of physical fitness, I think the battle would be the most entertaining event in human history. For example, this is one of their tactical vehicles. Each of their vehicles proudly displays their national colors- I see a bullseye.
I have now taken two Nepali workers to see the dentist. One suffered from a nasty abscess and, after a cycle of antibiotics, had the problem-tooth extracted. The other gentleman had a double root canal performed on him; I can't imagine the amount of pain these guys were in prior to getting help. My anger at my employer and the US government, for subcontracting to companies who allow this to happen is stronger than ever.
I received an award earlier this week for staying up all night to assist in an emergency infrastructure problem. I was also up for "best looking on base" and "wittiest sense of humor", but lost out on both.
We are in the middle of a two-day sandstorm and it's far from enjoyable. My head, sinuses and throat are all in pain from breathing in 4,000-year-old camel dung, which is essentially what the dust is made up of.
My mission to capture the remaining cast members continues....as does my devising a plan for my war.

"Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We've got company."

I have recently discovered that I have the privilege (and I stress the word, 'privilege') to work with the former cast of the 1984 blockbuster, "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom". The gentleman posing with me is Jonathan Ke Quan, who played the character, "Short Round". Perhaps the memorable line "No Mo Parachute, Docta Jones!" rings a bell? Yep, this is him, in the flesh. A privilege, indeed.

I will be attempting to capture the rest of the cast on my camera, though they are proving to be quite the elusive prey, to say the least. Stand by.